The Effects of Parental Conflict on Children
What is parental conflict?
Parental conflict is a pattern of fighting and arguing between parents that is frequent, damaging, and tends to be unresolved. While arguments and disagreements are normal in any relationship, conflict that occurs frequently with unhealthy communication between parents can be harmful to children.
Parental conflict may look like the following:
Silent treatment or not speaking to each other for long periods of time.
Shouting or yelling.
Insulting or disrespecting one another.
Arguments that tend to go unresolved.
No effort towards sorting out the issue.
Parental conflict can occur in all different types of family structures, such as:
Parents who are in a relationship (married or unmarried).
Divorced or separated parents.
Adoptive parents.
Foster parents.
Step parents.
Biological parents.
Same-sex couples.
Family members/guardians who are taking on a parental role in the child’s life, like grandparents.
Is parental conflict different from domestic abuse?
Parental conflict is not the same as domestic abuse. However, it is important to look out for signs that indicate parental conflict may turn into domestic abuse. You can learn more about the different types of domestic abuse.
Signs to look for are:
One parent is afraid of the other.
One parent feels unsafe or threatened.
There is a power imbalance, such as financial or status.
Fights turn aggressive or violent.
One parent is controlling of the other.
Throwing things or destroying property.
Are some children more at risk of having adverse childhood experiences?
Evidence shows that some children are at a higher risk of having one or more adverse childhood experiences. These groups include:
Children from minority groups.
Children assigned female at birth.
Children whose parents have high levels of stress.
Children whose parents are diagnosed with a mental disorder.
Children whose parents have substance addiction issues.
Children who live in financially deprived homes.
How does parental conflict affect children?
Some conflicts between parents are completely normal, as long as these conflicts are handled and resolved healthily. However, seeing their parents fight or argue in front of them frequently can make children feel anxious, frightened, or insecure. Parental conflicts that occur frequently and go unresolved can have lasting effects on children’s mental health, cognitive ability, and even physical health.
1. Parental conflict can have long-lasting negative effects on children’s mental health.
Children who come from homes with high levels of conflict may be more likely to develop mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. These effects go hand-in-hand with some of the issues listed below.
2. Parental conflict can cause feelings of insecurity in children.
Children who see a lot of conflict around them may start to feel insecure or scared that their family is breaking up. Children may even blame themselves for the conflict, especially if the fight is about an issue or expenses relating to something they need (eg., for a school trip). It is very important for children to feel safe. When children do not feel secure, this can cause several behavioural and emotional issues.
3. The parent-child relationship can be affected.
When there are high levels of conflict between parents, this can cause changes in parenting and in the time or quality of time spent with the child. Some parents may spend less time at home on weekends. Some parents may use their child as a “messenger” to the other parent during a conflict. Sometimes a child may even act as the mediator in their parents’ argument. These are all harmful to the child-parent relationship.
4. Unresolved conflict can create a stressful environment for children.
When parents are unable to resolve their conflicts it can take a significant toll on children’s stress levels. Children may feel fearful about the stability of their parents’ relationship and home life, or they may feel like they have to “take sides” in the conflict.
5. Children may have difficulty regulating their own emotions.
Growing up in a home where there is frequent conflict between parents can result in children who have difficulty regulating their own emotions, sometimes into adulthood.
6. Children may do poorly at school.
Children who live in a stressful home may do worse at school than their peers who do not, due to reduced cognitive ability. Stress highly affects cognitive ability in both adults and children. This makes it difficult for kids to focus on tasks, take tests, or solve problems at school.
7. Children may find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships as adults.
Children learn how to communicate with others and resolve conflicts from watching their parents. If children see parents who don’t resolve conflicts or model healthy communication, they may grow up to become adults who duplicate the same behaviour in their relationships.
8. Children may develop eating disorders.
An often overlooked effect of parental conflict on children is the risk for children to develop eating disorders. Disordered eating may be linked to feelings of control, often when children feel as though they do not have control over their home life or feel insecure due to their parents’ fighting.
9. Children may develop physical issues.
When children feel stressed or a lack of security in their homes, they may develop physical issues such as trouble sleeping or falling asleep, stomach aches or headaches.
10. Children may develop a dependence on alcohol or substance.
Growing up in a home with high levels of conflict may lead to children and teens developing a dependence on alcohol, drugs, or smoking.
11. Children may develop negative feelings towards relationships or marriage.
For many children who grow up in a household with parental conflict, watching their parents fight frequently may lead to them having negative feelings towards marriage and relationships. They may avoid relationships and friendships altogether or fear that all their relationships are doomed to fail.
How can we support children who have experienced parental conflict?
When children witness conflict between their parents, it can feel like their foundation is crumbling. They are caught between two people they love, often feeling torn in their loyalty or confused about their role in the family. Parental conflict can make them question whether love is stable or whether relationships always end in hurt. This uncertainty often shows up as anxiety, fear, or disruptive behaviour — but beneath that, it’s a search for security and understanding.
Ways to support your child through this may include:
Show that relationships can heal:
Children may believe arguments cause permanent damage. Model repair by showing small acts of reconciliation, like apologies and kind gestures.Don’t make them the referee:
Children might try to solve conflict by taking sides. Reassure them by saying things like “I can see you’re worried about what’s happening. But you don’t need to fix it — that’s something for the grown-ups to figure out.Teach safe ways to express emotions:
Children need to know it’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hurt others with words or actions. Help them find healthy ways to express emotions, like drawing or talking.Notice subtle signs of distress:
Clinginess, changes in appetite, or withdrawal can be early signs of emotional overwhelm. Gently ask: “I’ve noticed you seem quiet. Want to talk about it?”Let them play out their worries:
Play helps children process difficult emotions. Encourage drawing, storytelling, or imaginative play to help them express what they can’t put into words.Validate their anger but guide safe behaviour:
Anger often hides deeper emotions like fear or sadness. Let children feel angry but show them how to release it constructively through movement or writing.Reinforce unconditional love:
Parental conflict can make children question their worth. Remind them they are loved no matter what by saying things like, “I love you even when things are hard, and mistakes happen.”
How our books about parental conflict help children cope
All families experience conflict and this is completely normal. However, when parents do have a conflict it is important to resolve it healthily. Knowing how to resolve conflict without causing harm or aggression is the best way to mitigate any harmful effects parental conflict may have on children. Here are some ways our books on parental conflict can help children cope with any negative feelings.
Our children’s books on parental conflict:
Centre children's feelings during parental conflict.
Validate children’s emotions during high levels of conflict, such as fear, insecurity, guilt, confusion or self-blame.
Identify physical effects of parental conflict on children such as difficulty sleeping, focusing on schoolwork, stomach pain, or headaches.
Offer easy grounding exercises for children to learn and use on their own.
Help children feel less alone and understood.
Assure children that the conflict is not their fault.
Teach parents about the effects their conflicts may have on the children in a non-judgmental way.
Show ways of getting help or guidance to learn how to resolve conflict healthily.
Address how parental conflict can strain parent-child relationships.
Teach children how to regulate their own emotions.
Our children’s books about parental conflict:
How Rahul Keeps Calm When He Feels Anxious
Rahul feels scared and anxious when his daddy shouts. Join Rahul as he learns how to keep himself calm with the help of a grounding exercise.
Tanu Learns How To Overcome Her Fears
Tanu feels worried and can’t focus on her homework when her mummy and daddy argue at home. Join Tanu as she learns a coping exercise to overcome her feelings of fear and anxiety.
When Ali’s mummy gets angry and shouts he feels very worried and sad. With the help of a fun football-related coping exercise Ali learns how to focus on positive feelings instead of negative ones.
Ali Learns How To Ask For Help
When Ali fights with his friend on the playground his teachers are concerned. Join Ali as he learns how to ask trusted adults for help for problems at home.
Sources
TIMESOFINDIA.COM, “Do’s and Don’ts When Arguing in Front of Your Kids,” The Times of India, September 11, 2022, https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/parenting/moments/dos-and-donts-when-arguing-in-front-of-your-kids/photostory/94097927.cms#:~:text=Seeing%20their%20parents%20fight%20may,affecting%20relationships%20in%20the%20future.
Amy Morin Lcsw, “Parental Fighting Can Affect a Child'S Mental Health—Here'S How,” Parents, June 21, 2024, https://www.parents.com/how-parents-fighting-affects-children-s-mental-health-4158375#:~:text=Kids%20can%20suffer%20when%20those,into%20full%2Dfledged%20parental%20fighting.&text=Physical%20altercations%2C%20insults%2C%20and%20tactics,child%20in%20the%20long%20run.
“Reducing Parental Conflict: What Is Parental Conflict?,” GOV.UK, April 13, 2022, https://www.gov.uk/guidance/reducing-parental-conflict-what-is-parental-conflict.
“Parental Conflict,” Barnardo’s Family Space, n.d., https://families.barnardos.org.uk/families/parental-conflicts.
“Conflict Management for Parents,” Raising Children Network, December 15, 2023, https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/looking-after-yourself/communication-conflict/conflict-management-for-parents.
“Parental Conflict - Wirral Safeguarding Children Partnership,” Wirral Safeguarding Children Partnership, March 4, 2024, https://www.wirralsafeguarding.co.uk/parental-conflict/.